The Purr-Therapy Room: I Died Today

**** The dreaded post is here, reading it through again never gets any easier. Even coming on a year since Leo's been gone I still miss him terribly and hate the illness that ravaged his body so horribly in only a few weeks. He was taken much too soon but I promised myself when our thirteen year old family cat had been left too long to be given a dignified ending that I'd never allow any cat I signed responsibility for to ever have to get to that point before I let them go ****

Events of 13th June 2015

It was like I was being sucker punched from both sides.

I visited Leo after work on the Friday. He looked bad and a bit scared but better than he had when he was at home. Gave him some pats and cuddles even though he isn't one to tolerate them when they're not on his own terms. He was still connected to a drip.

Mum! Take me home

Still not being his usual vibrant self

I had to wait for Anne to ring with test results to find out when he could be brought home.

BLOW ONE

Anne rang with test results. She did and FIV test on him.

Positive.

I was in shock. He had been indoor since I had him. He had never, ever been in a fight that would result in deep bite wounds. Neither Terra or Missy had it as far as we knew but again they'd never been in a full rough and tumble, blood drawing battle.

The only way he could possibly have contracted it was being born to a cat that was positive or being bitten while he was a stray for the approximately 10 weeks before he was brought into the shelter.

I was completely clueless to the fact he'd been carrying around this disease for potentially four and a half years.

She said she would call back with the results of his liver ultrasound. The fact of him having Feline Aids meant she could find cancers in his liver.

Quite a while later I received another call.

BLOW TWO

There were no tumors but his liver was more than three quarters compromised. It was abnormal looking and they couldn't rule out cancer but unless a specialist was brought in to find more answers Anne told me straight that with this combined with the FIV his prognosis was less than good.

BLOW THREE

She recommended euthanasia.

I went to the vets knowing in my heart that I couldn't put him through weeks at the vets being force fed. He was a horror to pill I couldn't imagine how much he'd hate people poking him like a pin cushion and the fact his future held more vet visits, relapses and medication for life.

His positive to FIV would also put fostering on question. I wasn't even sure if I'd be allowed to continue fostering if I had an Feline Aid positive resident cat.

Bringing in a specialist was an option but it would be more to confirm answers of what the liver abnormality was. No matter what the specialist would have said he would still have to go through weeks of treatment and that would be only if he responded to treatment.

I queried how accurate the FIV test was. It was very accurate.

I queried what his liver abnormality could be. They said it could be inflammation, it could be hepatitis but it could be cancer.

They said with his Feline Aids compromising his immune system recovery chances weren't overly good and even getting him back to some form of life quality he'd probably be on medications for life and there would be high chances of him having relapses and spending time at the vets.

I weighed up the quality of life. I knew my decision but didn't want to admit it.

I chose euthanasia.

I had to let him leave with some form of dignity. I remember our thirteen year old cat had been allowed to get to the point of being skin and bones. I remember him fitting on the way to the vets. I knew I couldn't ever leave a cat to suffer for that long again.

I held him as he went. I took comfort when he growled as the green dream hit him that he was having his last words at the vet before he slipped away quickly.

Part of me died with him. I'll never forget the four and a half years he gave me.

Goodbye Leo.